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| Empowering The World's Diversity |
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Click here to read and listen to Part 1 -A conversation with Black Gay Male Leaders
Click here to read and listen to Part 2 -A conversation with Black Gay Male Youth
Click here to read and listen to Part 3A - Black Gay Depression and Black Gay Spirituality
Click here to read and listen to Part 3B - Black Gay Fathers
Click here to read and listen to Part 2 -A conversation with Black Gay Male Youth
Click here to read and listen to Part 3A - Black Gay Depression and Black Gay Spirituality
Click here to read and listen to Part 3B - Black Gay Fathers
How old are you?
43
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
Very young, probably 7
years old when I felt
attracted to boys.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, my son's mother (who
was killed in a fire when
he was about 11), a few
girls in jr high and high
school and one woman
when I was in the military.
Are your children
biological or adopted?
My son is my biological
son. He is 23 years old.
Are you partnered?
Yes and he has a set of
twins (boy and girl) 15
years old.
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
What are you challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
I came out in a very public
way on Oprah and on
Geraldo in 1990 and he
and he invited his friends
to see each show
whenever they aired. He
was about seven or eight
years old.
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and the
challenges of raising boys.
I sometimes felt
inadequate being gay and
a single parent because,
although I was very active
in the gay community, I
was also under a
microscope by
hetorosexual outsiders
who had seen me on
national television.
Dating was very hard
when I was raising my son
and I will leave it at that
for now.
My son was a popular
athlete in school so I
would many times find
myself constantly in
situations where I would
have to bite my tongue
because of homophobic
parents and some of the
things they would say to
their children.
43
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
Very young, probably 7
years old when I felt
attracted to boys.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, my son's mother (who
was killed in a fire when
he was about 11), a few
girls in jr high and high
school and one woman
when I was in the military.
Are your children
biological or adopted?
My son is my biological
son. He is 23 years old.
Are you partnered?
Yes and he has a set of
twins (boy and girl) 15
years old.
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
What are you challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
I came out in a very public
way on Oprah and on
Geraldo in 1990 and he
and he invited his friends
to see each show
whenever they aired. He
was about seven or eight
years old.
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and the
challenges of raising boys.
I sometimes felt
inadequate being gay and
a single parent because,
although I was very active
in the gay community, I
was also under a
microscope by
hetorosexual outsiders
who had seen me on
national television.
Dating was very hard
when I was raising my son
and I will leave it at that
for now.
My son was a popular
athlete in school so I
would many times find
myself constantly in
situations where I would
have to bite my tongue
because of homophobic
parents and some of the
things they would say to
their children.
How old are you?
I am 32 years old
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
I knew since I was very
young, but in denial most
my life!
Did you ever date females?
Yes, I was married for
seven years, had two
children from the marriage
No longer married!!
Are your children
biological or adopted?They
are biological!
If biological when did you
come out to your children
and their mother?
I came out to their mother
when we separated almost
four years ago, she was
the first person I came out
to.
My children are 6 and 4,
two boys, still very young!
Are you partnered?
No, I am not partnered,
still single!
What are your challenges
in terms of dating??
My challenges are related
to men who don't have
children and them
understanding the
responsibilities that I have
that comes with raising
young children! I feel like
sometimes they make me
choose between them and
my kids.
Of course, my kids are the
only choice! I guess
related on certain levels, I'
m all about trying to
become stronger and
better man through my
kids, by being a strong
staple in their lives.
It just would be nice to
have someone in my life
who understands what I
am trying to do and
support me in my journey
on being a great parent!
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and the
challenges of raising boys.
Like I said before, my kids
are still young never have
experienced anything
negative, I have
experienced all kinds of
feedback some negative,
some positive.
Some things on the line of
-they need to see a man
and a woman to grow up
normal.
The need examples of
what is to have a healthy
relationship! I've heard it
all!
The whole question of
masculinity and what is to
be a man!
Especially raising boys! I
have had discussions with
piers who think a gay
man, cannot teach a
young man to be "a real
man"!
I consider myself very
masculine, but the fact
that I date men.
Instantly labels me as
being less than what is to
be a man!
I love being a man, I love
men. I think what we need
in our society to broaden
the spectrum of what it is
to be gay!
These stereotypes of black
gay men need to be
dissolved! Most people
would not know that I am
gay unless I tell them!
That fact of the matter is
my kids are happy and
thriving and that's what is
important to me!!!!!!!!
I am 32 years old
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
I knew since I was very
young, but in denial most
my life!
Did you ever date females?
Yes, I was married for
seven years, had two
children from the marriage
No longer married!!
Are your children
biological or adopted?They
are biological!
If biological when did you
come out to your children
and their mother?
I came out to their mother
when we separated almost
four years ago, she was
the first person I came out
to.
My children are 6 and 4,
two boys, still very young!
Are you partnered?
No, I am not partnered,
still single!
What are your challenges
in terms of dating??
My challenges are related
to men who don't have
children and them
understanding the
responsibilities that I have
that comes with raising
young children! I feel like
sometimes they make me
choose between them and
my kids.
Of course, my kids are the
only choice! I guess
related on certain levels, I'
m all about trying to
become stronger and
better man through my
kids, by being a strong
staple in their lives.
It just would be nice to
have someone in my life
who understands what I
am trying to do and
support me in my journey
on being a great parent!
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and the
challenges of raising boys.
Like I said before, my kids
are still young never have
experienced anything
negative, I have
experienced all kinds of
feedback some negative,
some positive.
Some things on the line of
-they need to see a man
and a woman to grow up
normal.
The need examples of
what is to have a healthy
relationship! I've heard it
all!
The whole question of
masculinity and what is to
be a man!
Especially raising boys! I
have had discussions with
piers who think a gay
man, cannot teach a
young man to be "a real
man"!
I consider myself very
masculine, but the fact
that I date men.
Instantly labels me as
being less than what is to
be a man!
I love being a man, I love
men. I think what we need
in our society to broaden
the spectrum of what it is
to be gay!
These stereotypes of black
gay men need to be
dissolved! Most people
would not know that I am
gay unless I tell them!
That fact of the matter is
my kids are happy and
thriving and that's what is
important to me!!!!!!!!
How old are you?
33
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
I had the feeling when I
was about 12. I accepted
the fact when I was 18. I
didn’t act on it openly
until I was 20.
Did you ever date
females?
Yes
Are your children
biological or adopted?
Adopted
If adopted did the children
know before they adopted
that you were gay?
I told the children I was
gay six months after
having them. We’ve been
together now for 2.5
years. The adoption
occurred this past fall.
Are you partnered?
No
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
Finding someone who is
accepting of the fact that I
do have children and the
responsibility that it
brings.
Finding someone that
respects the time and
financial commitments of
having the children.
Allowing myself to not feel
so guarded and security
conscious. I now find
myself being a lot more
cautious about the
individuals that I select to
be in my circle (I
personally think that’s a
good thing).
What are your challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
My oldest has been
teased once so far
because one of his friends
thinks that I am gay. I
addressed the fact that we
all will be teased about
something.
So, I focused on the
actual problem. Then I
also addressed the fact
that we are all different
and the fact that I am gay
is something that directly
reflected towards me. He
should not feel
responsible for protecting
me and that no matter
what we still love one
another.
Also, a big challenge with
having kids is the support
system. I feel that’s with
all parents. I have found
that with my past circle of
friends, who were gay and
single, we slowly grew
apart because of the
difference in perception.
I wanted to be more
grounded and stable while
my friends still wanted to
party and being in a
relationship was the most
important aspect of their
life. I now think about
demonstrating and having
a legacy that last for
generations to come.
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and
the challenges of raising
boys.
I have strived to teach my
kids the ability to think.
Embrace differences and
show mutual respect.
I talked to them
extensively about being
GREAT people, and that
they don’t have to follow
in their friend’s footsteps.
My oldest kid is 11 now
and I have already had
the birds and bees
conversation with him (in
detail).
I strive to teach them that
we are all different. We
will all be different so
instead of trying to
change everyone learn to
embrace those
differences. It’s easier
that way.
I have noticed that I still
have a sense of self
homophobia. I try my
best to not demonstrate
typical gay
behaviors/stereotypes
(being overly effeminate,
casual sex, excessive
drinking, etc).
I definitely am not macho,
but I do my best to
represent myself as a
man. But if I was around
a group of straight people,
I would not openly
announce that I am gay
and that I went on a date
with a hot guy the other
day. So, I’m still confused
if that’s homophobia or if
that’s just wisdom.
33
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
I had the feeling when I
was about 12. I accepted
the fact when I was 18. I
didn’t act on it openly
until I was 20.
Did you ever date
females?
Yes
Are your children
biological or adopted?
Adopted
If adopted did the children
know before they adopted
that you were gay?
I told the children I was
gay six months after
having them. We’ve been
together now for 2.5
years. The adoption
occurred this past fall.
Are you partnered?
No
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
Finding someone who is
accepting of the fact that I
do have children and the
responsibility that it
brings.
Finding someone that
respects the time and
financial commitments of
having the children.
Allowing myself to not feel
so guarded and security
conscious. I now find
myself being a lot more
cautious about the
individuals that I select to
be in my circle (I
personally think that’s a
good thing).
What are your challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
My oldest has been
teased once so far
because one of his friends
thinks that I am gay. I
addressed the fact that we
all will be teased about
something.
So, I focused on the
actual problem. Then I
also addressed the fact
that we are all different
and the fact that I am gay
is something that directly
reflected towards me. He
should not feel
responsible for protecting
me and that no matter
what we still love one
another.
Also, a big challenge with
having kids is the support
system. I feel that’s with
all parents. I have found
that with my past circle of
friends, who were gay and
single, we slowly grew
apart because of the
difference in perception.
I wanted to be more
grounded and stable while
my friends still wanted to
party and being in a
relationship was the most
important aspect of their
life. I now think about
demonstrating and having
a legacy that last for
generations to come.
Tell me more about the
masculinity issues and
the challenges of raising
boys.
I have strived to teach my
kids the ability to think.
Embrace differences and
show mutual respect.
I talked to them
extensively about being
GREAT people, and that
they don’t have to follow
in their friend’s footsteps.
My oldest kid is 11 now
and I have already had
the birds and bees
conversation with him (in
detail).
I strive to teach them that
we are all different. We
will all be different so
instead of trying to
change everyone learn to
embrace those
differences. It’s easier
that way.
I have noticed that I still
have a sense of self
homophobia. I try my
best to not demonstrate
typical gay
behaviors/stereotypes
(being overly effeminate,
casual sex, excessive
drinking, etc).
I definitely am not macho,
but I do my best to
represent myself as a
man. But if I was around
a group of straight people,
I would not openly
announce that I am gay
and that I went on a date
with a hot guy the other
day. So, I’m still confused
if that’s homophobia or if
that’s just wisdom.
A native of Texas, Christopher
Russ has lived the past 7 years in
the Black Gay Mecca of
Atlanta.
Two years ago he took the major
steps of becoming a father by
taking into boys, ages 9 and 7 at
the time as foster children.
In October 2006, the adoption
became final and Christopher’s
goal of becoming a dad was
finally solidified legally.
Six months after the children
initially moved into his renovated
condo, Christopher came out to
them as gay.
Although the children initially had
no feelings one way or the other
about his homosexuality, they are
now growing into puberty and
into the sometimes intolerance
surroundings of the school
system.
Christopher speaks candidly
about his experience being a
single, gay dad and the support
system he has received from his
family and friends.
Russ has lived the past 7 years in
the Black Gay Mecca of
Atlanta.
Two years ago he took the major
steps of becoming a father by
taking into boys, ages 9 and 7 at
the time as foster children.
In October 2006, the adoption
became final and Christopher’s
goal of becoming a dad was
finally solidified legally.
Six months after the children
initially moved into his renovated
condo, Christopher came out to
them as gay.
Although the children initially had
no feelings one way or the other
about his homosexuality, they are
now growing into puberty and
into the sometimes intolerance
surroundings of the school
system.
Christopher speaks candidly
about his experience being a
single, gay dad and the support
system he has received from his
family and friends.
Jeffrey Bentick was married for 7
years and fathered two children
before he and his wife decided to
end their marriage. He came out
to his wife after they separated
then soon afterwards the rest of
his family. Jeffrey is now an
eligible Black gay bachelor
juggling a busy career with family
priorities towards his two sons, 6
and 4.
Like most single parents there
aren’t enough hours in the day.
As a father and as a gay man who
is also Black, Jeffrey has decided
to wait before coming out to his
children. He wants them to be
able to comprehend what
homosexuality really means and
the often intolerance that society
projects towards it.
Jeffrey is also carefully navigating
the Atlanta gay dating scene. He's
looking but not necessarily
rushing into a same-gender
relationship just yet. He speaks
openly about his life and the
support he has received
throughout his coming out
process.
years and fathered two children
before he and his wife decided to
end their marriage. He came out
to his wife after they separated
then soon afterwards the rest of
his family. Jeffrey is now an
eligible Black gay bachelor
juggling a busy career with family
priorities towards his two sons, 6
and 4.
Like most single parents there
aren’t enough hours in the day.
As a father and as a gay man who
is also Black, Jeffrey has decided
to wait before coming out to his
children. He wants them to be
able to comprehend what
homosexuality really means and
the often intolerance that society
projects towards it.
Jeffrey is also carefully navigating
the Atlanta gay dating scene. He's
looking but not necessarily
rushing into a same-gender
relationship just yet. He speaks
openly about his life and the
support he has received
throughout his coming out
process.
Joe Hawkins made history in
1990 when he was featured on
the Oprah Winfrey and Geraldo
shows as the first out African
American Gay/SGL (same gender
loving man) to appear on national
television, fighting for his right to
parent his then six year old son as
a gay man.
In 1995 Mr. Hawkins launched
Rimshot Productions, a multi-
media and event production
service, and one of the nation’s
first African American LGBT
lifestyle websites.
Today www.clubrimshot.com is
the San Francisco Bay Area’s
premiere lifestyle, event
production and promotion site
and has spawned an online talk
show “Keeping It Real,” (co-
produced with Ron Fulcher) and
the website www.
keepingitrealonline.tv which
boasts over 100,000 unique
visitors per month from around
the world and features some of
the nation’s most prominent,
dynamic and controversial
members of the African American
LGBT community.
He's often credited with keeping
the Bay Area African American
LGBT community on the national
radar.
1990 when he was featured on
the Oprah Winfrey and Geraldo
shows as the first out African
American Gay/SGL (same gender
loving man) to appear on national
television, fighting for his right to
parent his then six year old son as
a gay man.
In 1995 Mr. Hawkins launched
Rimshot Productions, a multi-
media and event production
service, and one of the nation’s
first African American LGBT
lifestyle websites.
Today www.clubrimshot.com is
the San Francisco Bay Area’s
premiere lifestyle, event
production and promotion site
and has spawned an online talk
show “Keeping It Real,” (co-
produced with Ron Fulcher) and
the website www.
keepingitrealonline.tv which
boasts over 100,000 unique
visitors per month from around
the world and features some of
the nation’s most prominent,
dynamic and controversial
members of the African American
LGBT community.
He's often credited with keeping
the Bay Area African American
LGBT community on the national
radar.
| Meet Joe Hawkins, Proud Black Gay Dad |
|
|
A native of Texas, Christopher
Russ has lived the past 7 years in
the Black Gay Mecca of
Atlanta.
Two years ago he took the major
steps of becoming a father by
taking into boys, ages 9 and 7 at
the time as foster children.
In October 2006, the adoption
became final and Christopher’s
goal of becoming a dad was
finally solidified legally.
Six months after the children
initially moved into his renovated
condo, Christopher came out to
them as gay.
Although the children initially had
no feelings one way or the other
about his homosexuality, they are
now growing into puberty and
into the sometimes intolerance
surroundings of the school
system.
Christopher speaks candidly
about his experience being a
single, gay dad and the support
system he has received from his
family and friends.
Russ has lived the past 7 years in
the Black Gay Mecca of
Atlanta.
Two years ago he took the major
steps of becoming a father by
taking into boys, ages 9 and 7 at
the time as foster children.
In October 2006, the adoption
became final and Christopher’s
goal of becoming a dad was
finally solidified legally.
Six months after the children
initially moved into his renovated
condo, Christopher came out to
them as gay.
Although the children initially had
no feelings one way or the other
about his homosexuality, they are
now growing into puberty and
into the sometimes intolerance
surroundings of the school
system.
Christopher speaks candidly
about his experience being a
single, gay dad and the support
system he has received from his
family and friends.
| Joe Hawkins in his own words |
| Jeffrey Bentick in his own words |
| Christopher Russ in his own words |
| Stewart Shaw in his own words |
How old are you?
43
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
Wow this is a complicated.
LOL. Most of my young life,
I had strong sexual urges
for boys, played house with
a few and so on.
In all of my daydreams and
fantasies of growing up
and creating a house
always took on a strange,
non-traditional flare.
There was myself, a wife
and another husband.
But, the girl in the dreams
always was the focus of my
attention emotionally. As I
got older, this pattern
maintained itself in my real
world life.
I saw a man and got a
sexual charge, but women
held an emotional, physical
and spiritual charge for
me.
I always figured, being a
romantic at heart, that if I
could get sex from
someone I was really fully
attracted to i.e. women,
why bother with men.
This all changed during the
second or third year of my
marriage when my desires
did a total 180 on me. Men
became my primary objects
of desire.
Now this is not why I was
getting divorced or
separated at the time, but
was a reason I didn’t fight
hard to keep us together.
I would have stayed
married if we had a chance.
It might not have lasted,
but I would have tried. I
was around 31 yrs old.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, was married for 3 plus
years
Are your children biological
or adopted?
Biological
If biological when did you
come out to your children
and their mother?
I came out to my ex-wife
around the time when we
were separating, after we
had already realized we
couldn’t live together
anymore.
My child being just a few
years old at the time,
found out around 4 or 5
about my sexuality.
Her mother let her know
that there were many ways
to love- male/female,
male/male and
female/female.
Not sure how much she
understood and if it really
mattered to her then. Now
my daughter is going on 14
and she knows, but it is
never an issue or topic of
discussion.
She knows my friends, my
ex (still my best friend)- I
lived with him for a while
and she would come to
visit.
Are you partnered?
I am single
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
Trying to find men that like
kids first off, but secondly
finding men that are
healthy mentally, stable in
their lives, whatever this
may look like, has a sense
of self and community,
someone I would want my
daughter to meet, be safe
around and not be a
damage to mentally and in
any other way.
Also, some gay men are so
male-centered they cant
talk to girls- boys they
have an easier time with-
both being males. So
trying to find a man that
likes not only kids but girls
is a challenge.
What are your challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
Since I don’t live in the
same state with as my
child, I don’t think she has
ever dealt with this issue,
and am not sure if she has
told her friends about my
sexuality.
I would doubt she has
since it is such a non-
factor in our relationship.
I am just dad to her and
she my heart.
43
When did you realize that
you might be gay?
Wow this is a complicated.
LOL. Most of my young life,
I had strong sexual urges
for boys, played house with
a few and so on.
In all of my daydreams and
fantasies of growing up
and creating a house
always took on a strange,
non-traditional flare.
There was myself, a wife
and another husband.
But, the girl in the dreams
always was the focus of my
attention emotionally. As I
got older, this pattern
maintained itself in my real
world life.
I saw a man and got a
sexual charge, but women
held an emotional, physical
and spiritual charge for
me.
I always figured, being a
romantic at heart, that if I
could get sex from
someone I was really fully
attracted to i.e. women,
why bother with men.
This all changed during the
second or third year of my
marriage when my desires
did a total 180 on me. Men
became my primary objects
of desire.
Now this is not why I was
getting divorced or
separated at the time, but
was a reason I didn’t fight
hard to keep us together.
I would have stayed
married if we had a chance.
It might not have lasted,
but I would have tried. I
was around 31 yrs old.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, was married for 3 plus
years
Are your children biological
or adopted?
Biological
If biological when did you
come out to your children
and their mother?
I came out to my ex-wife
around the time when we
were separating, after we
had already realized we
couldn’t live together
anymore.
My child being just a few
years old at the time,
found out around 4 or 5
about my sexuality.
Her mother let her know
that there were many ways
to love- male/female,
male/male and
female/female.
Not sure how much she
understood and if it really
mattered to her then. Now
my daughter is going on 14
and she knows, but it is
never an issue or topic of
discussion.
She knows my friends, my
ex (still my best friend)- I
lived with him for a while
and she would come to
visit.
Are you partnered?
I am single
What are your challenges
in terms of dating?
Trying to find men that like
kids first off, but secondly
finding men that are
healthy mentally, stable in
their lives, whatever this
may look like, has a sense
of self and community,
someone I would want my
daughter to meet, be safe
around and not be a
damage to mentally and in
any other way.
Also, some gay men are so
male-centered they cant
talk to girls- boys they
have an easier time with-
both being males. So
trying to find a man that
likes not only kids but girls
is a challenge.
What are your challenges
in terms of your children
being teased at school or
going to a homophobic
church, or whatever you
have experienced?
Since I don’t live in the
same state with as my
child, I don’t think she has
ever dealt with this issue,
and am not sure if she has
told her friends about my
sexuality.
I would doubt she has
since it is such a non-
factor in our relationship.
I am just dad to her and
she my heart.
| Meet Stewart Shaw, Proud Black Gay Dad |
What are your challenges in terms of dating?
There really are none. Now that my son is grown and off to college I
have more flexibility. Since my daughter (now 15 years) lives with
her mom, the only challenge is that I find myself reflective about “my
example.” As a father, I mostly live by what I tell her in the dating.
My instincts tell me that what I tell say is good for her is also good for
me. I want the best for her. I want her to have the best and live for
the best. As her father, I have to and want to look out after those
things with her. When she is 18, she will have to do that for herself.
The same thing for my son who is now 19 and living on the east coast.
What are your challenges in terms of your children being teased at
school or going to a homophobic church or whatever you have
experienced?
To my knowledge, my children were never teased for having a Gay
father. I never made it their responsibility to hold that knowledge. I
just tried to be a responsible father. I had to put many of my adult
pursuits to the side. I did not want them to suffer for “who I was/am”
until they could fend for themselves. In hindsight, I realize that the
community was more accepting, polite, and protective of my children,
even though most eventually figured it out anyway. I threw out a lot
of hints along the way.
Tell me more about the masculinity issues and the challenges of
raising boys.
Since I am perceived to be a regular masculine guy by most people, it
was not a challenge to raise my son around the issues of
masculinity. I did not try to raise a masculine boy or a feminine
girl. I raise them to be. My focus was to raise him and her to like
themselves as they are. (Something that was much more challenging
for me) I like them and found them to be human but flawlessly
valuable. I think that is how they feel about themselves now. Along
with this, I showed them that they needed to be thoughtful about
their decisions and take responsibility for their actions. Although I
talked to them from time to time, I mostly tried to “model” my life in
front of them so they could learn what the best way to live. This was
difficult for me. I believe and hope I gave them both the tools to live
responsible, healthy, happy, and godly lives.
There really are none. Now that my son is grown and off to college I
have more flexibility. Since my daughter (now 15 years) lives with
her mom, the only challenge is that I find myself reflective about “my
example.” As a father, I mostly live by what I tell her in the dating.
My instincts tell me that what I tell say is good for her is also good for
me. I want the best for her. I want her to have the best and live for
the best. As her father, I have to and want to look out after those
things with her. When she is 18, she will have to do that for herself.
The same thing for my son who is now 19 and living on the east coast.
What are your challenges in terms of your children being teased at
school or going to a homophobic church or whatever you have
experienced?
To my knowledge, my children were never teased for having a Gay
father. I never made it their responsibility to hold that knowledge. I
just tried to be a responsible father. I had to put many of my adult
pursuits to the side. I did not want them to suffer for “who I was/am”
until they could fend for themselves. In hindsight, I realize that the
community was more accepting, polite, and protective of my children,
even though most eventually figured it out anyway. I threw out a lot
of hints along the way.
Tell me more about the masculinity issues and the challenges of
raising boys.
Since I am perceived to be a regular masculine guy by most people, it
was not a challenge to raise my son around the issues of
masculinity. I did not try to raise a masculine boy or a feminine
girl. I raise them to be. My focus was to raise him and her to like
themselves as they are. (Something that was much more challenging
for me) I like them and found them to be human but flawlessly
valuable. I think that is how they feel about themselves now. Along
with this, I showed them that they needed to be thoughtful about
their decisions and take responsibility for their actions. Although I
talked to them from time to time, I mostly tried to “model” my life in
front of them so they could learn what the best way to live. This was
difficult for me. I believe and hope I gave them both the tools to live
responsible, healthy, happy, and godly lives.
How old are you?
51 years old; April 1, 1955
When did your realize that you might be gay.
Looking in reverse is always clearer. When I was a child, I did
not know or understand the concept of Gay. But I would say,
since the 4th grade I began to have minor “crushes” on certain
boys in my class or on the street. These particular boys I found
myself fascinated with. I just wanted to hang with them and be
like them. Somehow I knew to keep this fascination to myself.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, but not until the prom. Usually I just hung out with the
other teenagers. There was always this pressure to date after I
was fifteen. Invite a girl to the church teenage Valentine Ball, or
whatever it was called. I felt the pressure. But it did not come
from my parents or people I knew. But I always had this
underlying dread for the time Valentines day came around. I
never did go to the Valentine Ball. Since I was a track athlete
and did the school social functions, particularly in my senior
year, I invited a young lady at my high school and we went to
the Senior Prom. It was fun, again because none of use were
romantically involved but we just hung out at the hotel, eating
good food and dancing. It was the first time my father let me
drive his 1969 Ford Fairlane Station Wagon on my own.
Are your children biological or adopted?
My children are biological
If biological, when did you come out to our children and their
mother?
I came out to their mother just after I met her. I met her in the
church. You have to remember, this was 1981 and we were
young but from upstanding Christian families and values. My
story reads similar to Mel White. But of course I am Black. Gay
was something no one ever talked about except in hushed
tones, and it was something that only the most “out there kind
of people” could be.
Yet, By then, I knew I was attracted to guys sexually, and not
only that, but my sexual dreams, my sexual attention, my
sexual curiosity was strongest with guys. If I looked at a
magazine and saw guys and girls intermingled in photo in a
magazine, say around a swimming pool, I would automatically
scope out the guys. I just would keep it to myself. The curse of
my life growing up. I was intent on protecting my people from
the truth. If I recall correctly, I was one of those first born with
great promise, and I did not want to disappoint or embarrassed
anyone I belonged to. I debated doing this interview with the
same debate. Will I hurt my kids or parents me, and others if I
do this little but important interview? (I have no answer).
I never formally came out to my children. I was more intent on
protecting them while they were young against having
knowledge that they might have to fight over in while they were
in school. I have been advised differently from the Black Gay
community. But gradually over the years with conversations
with me and others, they acknowledge me as “different”. After
the divorce, my daughter in particular asked me about my
“difference”. I told her I was. With my son it was more indirect.
I have taken my children to Unity and Agape when they were 9
and 12. Also, they know and have been around my gay
acquaintances and friends. My task is not yet complete.
Are You Partnered?
I was but not now. It was never formal like a heterosexual
couple. Ultimately I believe that was the prime thing that drove
us apart. I was still “protecting”, nurturing my fears. Protecting
my image and my family.
51 years old; April 1, 1955
When did your realize that you might be gay.
Looking in reverse is always clearer. When I was a child, I did
not know or understand the concept of Gay. But I would say,
since the 4th grade I began to have minor “crushes” on certain
boys in my class or on the street. These particular boys I found
myself fascinated with. I just wanted to hang with them and be
like them. Somehow I knew to keep this fascination to myself.
Did you ever date females?
Yes, but not until the prom. Usually I just hung out with the
other teenagers. There was always this pressure to date after I
was fifteen. Invite a girl to the church teenage Valentine Ball, or
whatever it was called. I felt the pressure. But it did not come
from my parents or people I knew. But I always had this
underlying dread for the time Valentines day came around. I
never did go to the Valentine Ball. Since I was a track athlete
and did the school social functions, particularly in my senior
year, I invited a young lady at my high school and we went to
the Senior Prom. It was fun, again because none of use were
romantically involved but we just hung out at the hotel, eating
good food and dancing. It was the first time my father let me
drive his 1969 Ford Fairlane Station Wagon on my own.
Are your children biological or adopted?
My children are biological
If biological, when did you come out to our children and their
mother?
I came out to their mother just after I met her. I met her in the
church. You have to remember, this was 1981 and we were
young but from upstanding Christian families and values. My
story reads similar to Mel White. But of course I am Black. Gay
was something no one ever talked about except in hushed
tones, and it was something that only the most “out there kind
of people” could be.
Yet, By then, I knew I was attracted to guys sexually, and not
only that, but my sexual dreams, my sexual attention, my
sexual curiosity was strongest with guys. If I looked at a
magazine and saw guys and girls intermingled in photo in a
magazine, say around a swimming pool, I would automatically
scope out the guys. I just would keep it to myself. The curse of
my life growing up. I was intent on protecting my people from
the truth. If I recall correctly, I was one of those first born with
great promise, and I did not want to disappoint or embarrassed
anyone I belonged to. I debated doing this interview with the
same debate. Will I hurt my kids or parents me, and others if I
do this little but important interview? (I have no answer).
I never formally came out to my children. I was more intent on
protecting them while they were young against having
knowledge that they might have to fight over in while they were
in school. I have been advised differently from the Black Gay
community. But gradually over the years with conversations
with me and others, they acknowledge me as “different”. After
the divorce, my daughter in particular asked me about my
“difference”. I told her I was. With my son it was more indirect.
I have taken my children to Unity and Agape when they were 9
and 12. Also, they know and have been around my gay
acquaintances and friends. My task is not yet complete.
Are You Partnered?
I was but not now. It was never formal like a heterosexual
couple. Ultimately I believe that was the prime thing that drove
us apart. I was still “protecting”, nurturing my fears. Protecting
my image and my family.
Harden A. Carter of Pasadena, CA was
married for 14 years and has two
children from the union. Because of
his strong Christian values, he felt
pressured to "protect" others, (i.e
family) from the knowledge of his
sexuality.
married for 14 years and has two
children from the union. Because of
his strong Christian values, he felt
pressured to "protect" others, (i.e
family) from the knowledge of his
sexuality.
| Harden Alonzo Carter |
|